5 No one will ever actually play “Free Bird”
Or laugh at you if you request it. Similar goof songs to namedrop during a band’s set include “Who Let the Dogs Out?” and “Mmmbop.” No one will actually play these songs either. Nor should they. Ever. Going even further, don’t request a song by the band. They already know what songs they’re going to play — usually, the ones that sound best live. Why not just enjoy the music? I mean, if you’re really having trouble enjoying yourself: why not be THAT guy smoking weed, instead of THAT guy who needs to draw attention to himself at all times.
4 Don’t mosh on my girlfriend
While I’m as feminist as the next straight male could possibly be and totally recognize a female’s right to participate in “boy time,” please be thoughtful and considerate of whom you flail your boney little elbows at. Yes, girls are allowed to mosh; but no one should be forced to mosh. Or get caught up in the sweep of a mosh. Remember, most girls are smaller than most guys, and a lot of senseless injuries have been caused by… well, senselessness. So, instead of being the senselessest, follow this essential tip: Don’t mosh on my girlfriend. Even if she turned down your nasty-ass Cheeto breath.
3 Don't hit on my girlfriend
First of all, she's a very special lady. (Albeit fictitious, at least at the writing of this article.) Second of all, you can clearly see that she came here with me. (Unless you’re three purple drinks deep.) Third of all, she's out of your league. (My imaginary girl friends are always drop-dead gorgeous.) So, I think for all the fictitious ladies out there, you could show a little respect and let her enjoy a nice night out. She’s here to see a band she likes with her man; not to hear pompous rhetoric as to why you believe American Dad is “vastly superior to” Family Guy.
2 Leave the purple drinks at the bar
Unless you're a very pretty lady, purple drinks have some very specific times and places: either for children's birthday parties or over fried chicken and waffles. Other than that, for the love of god, please order something that wouldn't make John Wayne blush. Now, I'm not condemning drinking, or even drunkenness; I'm merely pointing out that if you’re going to spill something on me, I'd rather it smell more like cologne than Pixie Stix. If you happen to be THAT guy, though, you don't care upon whom you slush or spill. In fact, you seem to not care about your reputation at all. And you don't mind if you have Kool Aid teeth when you hit on my girlfriend.
1 Don't wear a T-Shirt of the band you're about to see
Ok, don't misunderstand me: band t-shirts are a great way to support bands. In addition to promoting good up-and-coming musicians, the bands often see a large portion (if not all) of the profits from the merch they sell. But, if you wear a t-shirt for a band you're going to see, it becomes redundant. You appear one-dimensional. And douchey. Think about it, have you ever seen a person wearing a t-shirt for a band they were seeing and thought, "There's a multi-faceted fellow. I should seek his legal advice." NO! Of course not, because you already know that he's a tool. And you assume he majored in Communications.
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